After watching the film Malcom & Marie twice, two specific quotes stood out to me. The first and second time I watched the movie they stuck with me once the credits began to role. These specific quotes laid down the ground work for me to question everything. To question my own existence, my view of the world, and the idea of being a main character. That trendy surreal concept that someone, anyone can be the main character in whatever reality they find themselves in. That everything revolves around them and their actions. They are a catalyst for everything imploding around them and their existence alone is everything.
The first quote that made me ponder all of this and have a melodramatic ‘awakening’ about my own existence, is when Malcom is telling Marie about her own fucked up view of the world in relation to her role from his movie: “You’re so fucking solipsistic that you see yourself in everything. Even things you had nothing to do with” ([6.17.20] MALCOLM & MARIE – Final Draft page 44). It made me wonder. No, I do not think I force myself into conversations or drama or even the lives of the people around me, but I do imagine that at moments, they do revolve around me.
Now, it was brought to my attention (from an outside source) that when Malcom was in fact saying this quote to Marie he could have been talking about himself. He in fact is the one who is solipsistic. He believes everything revolves around him and if you watch the movie multiple times, like I have found myself doing. Pay attention to Malcolm. We, as viewers automatically hate him. He’s narcissistic and mean and goes way to far in his arguments with Marie but hes set up this way to act as a mirror for us. He is the lens we must look through. Not Marie even though the movie is in fact very much about her. If you watch the movie more than once this idea becomes more apparent but it didn’t change my point of view or realization of my own existence. It is just something interesting to note.
Solipsism is the theory that the self is all the can be known to exist. Meaning outside of our own existences the reality and perspectives of others are seen as untrue. That your own mind is the only one that can exist. The outside world and the minds of others cannot be known and might not even exist. Knowledge outside of your own mind is untrue its unsure, its false and fake and scary.
Although I love to learn new things and discover the secrets of the world, I am a deeply internal thinker and more often than not I cannot express how I truly view the world or feel about the world without seeing it fall apart. My view of the world is concrete. The world is a bad place with a few good things here and there and all we need to do is survive it right. So where is my place in it? I’ve always viewed myself as a side character. I’m in multiple friend groups and drama seems to circulate every single one more than it should.
And my place in each of these different groups is to listen, to hear the rants and gossip about all the drama my friends find themselves in. I give advice, I react and awe and gasp and respond appropriately to whatever shocking things I am told and then I go back to my dorm, get into my bed and repeat. A perfect side character.
When I’m by myself however, my whole existence shifts. I’m the main character. Alone, I’m so sure and confident of my purpose, my ideals, my morals. I sing in front of the mirror, I imagine wild scenarios in my head of taking over the world, or falling in love, or dying. But I’m so sure of my own existence, of the way my mind thinks and spirals and spits constant thoughts and ideas about how I can change everyone around me for the better.
When I’m alone, I’m a narcissistic, egotistical girl who thinks she knows everything. I get so into my own mind and my own actions that I don’t think about my friends in the same perspective as if I was with them. No, I think they are sad without me or lost without me or so dependent on me. That my own existence keeps them alive, keeps them conscious, keeps them breathing. And without my existence, they would cease to exist, because I wouldn’t be here. When I cease to exist, logically, in my mind, they will too.
But when I’m with them (my friends), and I’m immersed in their drama and bullshit and love and happiness and joy, my existence shifts. I’m there to aid them. To listen and help. It’s like my view of the world is solely dependent on if they are okay. I no longer focus on how my own existence and conscious helps keeps them going in some way. Instead they keep me going. My own existence is dependent on being a side character. If cease exist they will live on. I’m collateral damage. A good but unnecessary thing and this movie made me realize that I have been like this for so long.
It makes me wonder what my actual purpose is. Surely my existence isn’t godlike. I don’t control my friends or their morals and ideas of the world but I think I have so much influence so much power over them when I’m alone. But when I’m with them its so opposite, so unsure. This is what brings me into the second quote. The quote that shook my existence entirely. Sure the first quote made me ponder my own reality and the possibility of solipsism and its existence in my own life with my respective view of the world. This quote however shattered me. It made me think about how my existence affects others.
Not just that my conscious was keeping them going and without me they ceased to exist or vice versa. No it made me wonder how I made them feel when I’m with them or when I’m not. What emotions does my name provoke in them. Is it happiness? Annoyance? Indifference? What does my presence do to them mentally? This was the quote that shattered my reality and made me think about these things:
“Because we are both seeking refuge from your assaultive, battering ram of a personality. Because of your limitations as a partner and a filmmaker, we are ducking for cover. And we may not agree on a lot of things, but sis and I, we’re in a fucking foxhole” ([6.17.20] MALCOLM & MARIE – Final Draft page 85).
Marie is essentially trapped with Malcom. She loves him and feel suffocated by him and his megalomania but she’ll never leave. Ever. I suppose I can be intense at moments. I’ve been told so numerous times and sometimes I drain people. I act as a natural stressor and turn up the angst. But do I trap people? With my love or my joy? Probably not. But the movie made me question this. How do I make others feel? I’ll probably never know, truly or in depth on what emotions my presence of existence sparks in others.
This movie will forever make me question it. Question everything about my mind and view of myself and practically everything I come across. It’s why I’m so obsessed with this movie and the dialogue and Marie and her mind and Malcom and his. It’s honest to god an 1h and 46min thought provoking, existence questioning fever dream of a movie and everyone should watch it.
snippets of life 